So here I am…not in Tennessee anymore, but lying in a bed that feels like home if I allowed it to be.
I have a whole summer with (almost) no responsibilities, at least not for anyone else but me. That is an unbelievable blessing and break and yet something in me is trying to be unsatisfied. If you know me, you’d know. Yes, I’m an introvert and I like creating in the small moments, but even when I feel like doing nothing but staying home, I still want to use that time to make an impact of some kind.
I have this endlessly thirsty part of myself that always needs to need to do something.
Before the move, my counselor from home had been reminding me how I needed to find more “gardens” in my life. You know, more organic, safe, peaceful places full of possibility, life and nourishment. I always agree and then proceed to find myself in deserts-figuratively speaking-dry, lonely, and fearing all the space around me that I can’t control. It’s a cycle, really, being perpetually in over my head and way beneath my true purpose.
Moving is an odd thing. I mean, it’s only been a few days and I already find myself trying harder at the small things. I get a little mad at myself, actually. Like, maybe if I only did this 4 months ago, I could have built the life that I hope to build here. That’s not a ridiculous thought, though, since so many of us struggle to make the most of our talents while in comfortable places. In fact, I would say it’s nearly impossible for me to thrive at all in places of complete familiarity! Who knows! All I am sure of is that I am not in charge here or able to plan more than 2 steps ahead..heck, I don’t even know how to find the kind of pizza I like, but I’m strangely so grateful for that today.
In Atlanta of all places,
God gives me my garden.
….the kind of peace that is so tender, it almost feels insecure.
Of course, chaos will still appear just like it always has, but different than before.
And In the middle of my expectation to continue to snowball myself into more of the same, He has given me my garden.
I’m scared of so many things right now, but I have not once questioned the nearness of God. I think that’s because of how aware I am of my need of Him, how never-ending my dependance on Him really is. We all learn and develop differently, but I believe so strongly in the power of weakness and in a way, that is what I am really here to do. To be as weak as I really am and as strong as He has created me to be.
I label this season one of humility and the recognition of releasing all of me into the hands of God.
So, inside that same realm, I want to ask you this:
What good things make you uncomfortable?
It’s not about being miserable, its about walking down a path you don’t even know how to create. His knowledge is and His plans are so far beyond ours!
It’s not that it has to hurt, but it has to STRETCH…because where He asks your feet to go will exceed your every limit.
And I thank God for that.
your new friend,
Briellabelle
